For the last few minutes I have been chanting this in my mind. Apparently I only now get motivated to write on my blog when I am admitting to a mistake. My friends at work all tell me that I need to write these things down so if there are other Foster Parents out there who feel the same way they don't have to feel it alone. Or something like that.
Tech is a great kid. I don't want anyone to think otherwise. He just hasn't had the environment to learn, grow, and develop as a healthy child in a stable, loving environment. When you are labeled as mentally retarded, never to live on your own, placed with the children with down syndrome in school, and given mood altering medications instead of being taught proper coping techniques, you just don't learn everything you need to. (Can you tell how I feel about some of his previous caregivers?)
My problem is sometimes I want to treat him as if he doesn't have that past, and I can't. It doesn't matter that he has lived 12 years because no one taught him how to be a 12-year-old.
Tonight he and a friend made plans to go see a movie at the local theater. They made the plans at 5 and the movie started at 7. Tech rushed home to get dinner and made a deal with us regarding getting his allowance early so he could go to the movies. This friend (who is a really good friend and kid in general) ended up helping his grandparents with watering their fields because his dad was too sick to do it. Because he chose to help his grandparents they didn't make it to the movie. They are now going to see it tomorrow.
Tech is no longer functioning this evening as a rational being. Something about not going to the movie with his friend has caused him to meltdown. We tried to encourage him in some activities (activities that if he would complete would mean that he would no longer have to make a deal with us regarding his allowance). Nothing. He pretends to be asleep sitting on the couch and when we call his name he opens his eyes and then closes them again as if he didn't hear us and is still asleep.
There are days I wonder if this is actually normal 12-year-old behavior. I mean no one likes to have fun plans cancelled, but the plans were just delayed, and he could have earned his entire allowance instead of it being reduced due to not completing his work. I just don't know some days. Maybe it is a good thing that we don't have any measuring stick. But right now, as I type this blog post and wonder what he is doing in his room, I just keep thinking "I'm an awful mother."
30 May 2014
29 May 2014
Hiding
I can't believe it has been over a month since I have written. I will try to keep that from happening again, but with summer staring, I can't promise anything.
I am not a perfect mother. I never thought I would be, but there are days that I thought I would be better than I am. So to admit my failures.
There was one night that Tech had some history homework. The teachers and school have been amazing and accommodating. Since Tech's reading is not on grade level, his history teacher takes the time to make his worksheets easier. For this particular assignment he only had to do the fill-in-the-blank questions and not the short answer. I read the question and then find the paragraph and read the sentence with the answer. Then I make him tell me the answer. Normally it is word for word the fill-in-the-blank from the paragraph. I can tell when he doesn't want to do it because Tech just repeats the last word I said. In addition to doing the worksheet he has to focus on his penmanship. If he isn't focused his letters are unrecognizable.
I have never struggled with homework. I just can't see why someone would spend more time and energy complaining and avoiding the homework rather than just doing it. This particular night I was frustrated. The whole day had been hard. The night before I had been frustrated because I was stressed and Moose kept telling me that he didn't feel comfortable helping Tech. That wasn't what I wanted to hear and I lost it. As a side note I let things build up and then every couple of months I lose it for a night and just lie on the couch and cry. I was feeling so tired and frustrated that Sunday night I let it out on Moose.
So on Monday, Tech comes home with this homework and I am trying to keep it together. It didn't turn out so well. I would ask him to do something and, like a regular teenager, he would pretend he hadn't heard. I was still feeling the effects of the night before and ended up crying through dinner preparations. Tech knew something was wrong and just left me alone. After dinner as we tried to do homework, Moose stepped up and really helped. Tech really didn't want to do homework and was dragging his feet. (As I have learned over the years, I was abnormal when it came to homework. It seems that normal kids don't just do their homework.)
Tech was pushing back at Moose and I lost it. But here is the sad thing I thought I would be reasonable and put a bookmark in the history book. I then slammed it shut. And dropped it on the floor. I then accused him of wasting our time and that if he didn't care, I didn't care. I then ran to my room knowing I had screwed up. I felt like I should just hide under a rock. So I went to my closet.
Moose stuck his head in a few minutes later. "What are you doing?"
"Hiding under my rock."
There was a click. "At least do it with the lights on."
Moose knew I needed some space and that Tech needed more support than I did. I wish I could say that was the last time that I lost it. Maybe my next post will be about trying to get him to drink cough syrup.
Tech still says he likes living with us. At the meeting with the caseworker he said that she could write in his file that he likes reading! He is a good kid. I know there are days that I sit in my room and cry, but I have come to learn that I cry because I care. I will keep my closet available if I need it, but at least I haven't had to use it again.
I am not a perfect mother. I never thought I would be, but there are days that I thought I would be better than I am. So to admit my failures.
There was one night that Tech had some history homework. The teachers and school have been amazing and accommodating. Since Tech's reading is not on grade level, his history teacher takes the time to make his worksheets easier. For this particular assignment he only had to do the fill-in-the-blank questions and not the short answer. I read the question and then find the paragraph and read the sentence with the answer. Then I make him tell me the answer. Normally it is word for word the fill-in-the-blank from the paragraph. I can tell when he doesn't want to do it because Tech just repeats the last word I said. In addition to doing the worksheet he has to focus on his penmanship. If he isn't focused his letters are unrecognizable.
I have never struggled with homework. I just can't see why someone would spend more time and energy complaining and avoiding the homework rather than just doing it. This particular night I was frustrated. The whole day had been hard. The night before I had been frustrated because I was stressed and Moose kept telling me that he didn't feel comfortable helping Tech. That wasn't what I wanted to hear and I lost it. As a side note I let things build up and then every couple of months I lose it for a night and just lie on the couch and cry. I was feeling so tired and frustrated that Sunday night I let it out on Moose.
So on Monday, Tech comes home with this homework and I am trying to keep it together. It didn't turn out so well. I would ask him to do something and, like a regular teenager, he would pretend he hadn't heard. I was still feeling the effects of the night before and ended up crying through dinner preparations. Tech knew something was wrong and just left me alone. After dinner as we tried to do homework, Moose stepped up and really helped. Tech really didn't want to do homework and was dragging his feet. (As I have learned over the years, I was abnormal when it came to homework. It seems that normal kids don't just do their homework.)
Tech was pushing back at Moose and I lost it. But here is the sad thing I thought I would be reasonable and put a bookmark in the history book. I then slammed it shut. And dropped it on the floor. I then accused him of wasting our time and that if he didn't care, I didn't care. I then ran to my room knowing I had screwed up. I felt like I should just hide under a rock. So I went to my closet.
Moose stuck his head in a few minutes later. "What are you doing?"
"Hiding under my rock."
There was a click. "At least do it with the lights on."
Moose knew I needed some space and that Tech needed more support than I did. I wish I could say that was the last time that I lost it. Maybe my next post will be about trying to get him to drink cough syrup.
Tech still says he likes living with us. At the meeting with the caseworker he said that she could write in his file that he likes reading! He is a good kid. I know there are days that I sit in my room and cry, but I have come to learn that I cry because I care. I will keep my closet available if I need it, but at least I haven't had to use it again.
17 April 2014
My Hero
It has been some time since I've written. I keep coming up with various topics to write on, but then life gets in the way. I am not surprised that having a 12-year-old in our life has made my life busier. In fact if it didn't make my life busier I would be worried that I was a neglecting mother.
A few weeks ago I was sitting in class listening to the kids. Every week they have a student of the week called the "Superhero." The teacher I work with had decided not to do a student of the week. It wasn't that there weren't deserving kids, but it had been so busy. The previous superhero had left the cape at home and forgotten his "About Me" paper. As she was explaining one of the kids yelled out, "But what about Little Miss. Will she get to be superhero?" The other kids joined in. Basically chanting that Little Miss should be the superhero for the week. The teacher agreed and she got everything set up for Little Miss.
The entire first grade gets together and all of the teachers announce their superheros for the week. The child then goes to the front and collects a prize and certificate. The teacher and I were worried that Little Miss wouldn't want to get up and it might cause a scene as the kids try and encourage her up while she fights back. When the teacher called Little Miss, she stood up immediately and hurried up to the front where she got her certificate and pencil.
The next week she would occasionally put on the cape and call herself Batman, or Robin as she twirled around.
Little Miss is autistic and will never live on her own. I am pretty sure she doesn't know exactly what the Superhero means, but she knows she has watched nearly every other student in the class wearing the cape. What really got to me was the fact that it was the other students in the class who really wanted her to get it. It wasn't something the teacher planned to teach the class an important message. It was something the kids themselves knew was important.
I love working at the school. These kids are good kids.
A few weeks ago I was sitting in class listening to the kids. Every week they have a student of the week called the "Superhero." The teacher I work with had decided not to do a student of the week. It wasn't that there weren't deserving kids, but it had been so busy. The previous superhero had left the cape at home and forgotten his "About Me" paper. As she was explaining one of the kids yelled out, "But what about Little Miss. Will she get to be superhero?" The other kids joined in. Basically chanting that Little Miss should be the superhero for the week. The teacher agreed and she got everything set up for Little Miss.
The entire first grade gets together and all of the teachers announce their superheros for the week. The child then goes to the front and collects a prize and certificate. The teacher and I were worried that Little Miss wouldn't want to get up and it might cause a scene as the kids try and encourage her up while she fights back. When the teacher called Little Miss, she stood up immediately and hurried up to the front where she got her certificate and pencil.
The next week she would occasionally put on the cape and call herself Batman, or Robin as she twirled around.
Little Miss is autistic and will never live on her own. I am pretty sure she doesn't know exactly what the Superhero means, but she knows she has watched nearly every other student in the class wearing the cape. What really got to me was the fact that it was the other students in the class who really wanted her to get it. It wasn't something the teacher planned to teach the class an important message. It was something the kids themselves knew was important.
I love working at the school. These kids are good kids.
04 April 2014
A Perfect Parent?
The last two days, Moose and I attended a conference put on by the Utah Foster Care. The main reason we went was it was a quick way to get hours for our re-certification. Now we are already planning on going to next year's if they have it again.
There were two speakers. The first was Dr. Laura Bennett-Murphy. She works here in Utah with children who are from refugee families and endured severe trauma. Let's just say that I needed the tissues I brought. There were several points that really stood out to me. The first is that as a parent there are times that when my child loses hope, I can still hold on to it and reassure them that behind the storm clouds, the sun is still there and it will be back. I also loved the idea that children will get frustrated and mad with me as a parent. Even when they are yelling at me and telling me that I am stupid or they wish I was dead that they still love me. (And now for the cute picture she showed.)
Thursday's speaker was Daniel J Siegel, MD. Moose and I had to slip our an hour early and we were so disappointed not to hear it all. What he talked about was the Adolescent brain. 12-24 is the age of adolescence. They are neither child nor adult and knowing what is actually going on in their brain can help adults teach them. It was amazing. We sat in rapture from 9 until we had to duck out at 3. We spent the entire drive home talking about how things are now starting to make sense.
Tech is 12 but we can already see how the things Siegel talked about apply to our situation. He has a book out called Brainstorm that is written for both an adult audience and for an adolescent audience because adolescents don't always know why they do why they do but if they know how their brain works it gives them power over themselves.
Moose and I have ordered the book and I will do a review when I read it, but I can already tell you that I am going to love it.
What really stuck with me that both speakers emphasized was the fact that parents will occasionally flip their lids. Both speakers admitted to the fact that despite all of their education, training, experience, they still get frustrated. The fact of the matter is that it will happen, but as adults we need to repair the situation after it happens. That is what makes a good parent.
Maybe Moose and I have a chance at doing okay after all.
There were two speakers. The first was Dr. Laura Bennett-Murphy. She works here in Utah with children who are from refugee families and endured severe trauma. Let's just say that I needed the tissues I brought. There were several points that really stood out to me. The first is that as a parent there are times that when my child loses hope, I can still hold on to it and reassure them that behind the storm clouds, the sun is still there and it will be back. I also loved the idea that children will get frustrated and mad with me as a parent. Even when they are yelling at me and telling me that I am stupid or they wish I was dead that they still love me. (And now for the cute picture she showed.)
Tech is 12 but we can already see how the things Siegel talked about apply to our situation. He has a book out called Brainstorm that is written for both an adult audience and for an adolescent audience because adolescents don't always know why they do why they do but if they know how their brain works it gives them power over themselves.
Moose and I have ordered the book and I will do a review when I read it, but I can already tell you that I am going to love it.
What really stuck with me that both speakers emphasized was the fact that parents will occasionally flip their lids. Both speakers admitted to the fact that despite all of their education, training, experience, they still get frustrated. The fact of the matter is that it will happen, but as adults we need to repair the situation after it happens. That is what makes a good parent.
Maybe Moose and I have a chance at doing okay after all.
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