And She Wins the Blue Ribbon

SCENE

The Wife uses her key card to let the class back into the school. The student teacher is holding the door open.

Student (to Student Teacher): How come you can't open the door?

Student Teacher: Because the Wife is special and they gave her a card.

Student: You're right. She is special. She is great at art.

Student Teacher: Yes. She is.

Student: And she's good at dancing. That's why they gave it to her.

Student Teacher: Yep. I'm not good at art or dancing. I should work on that.

END SCENE

Punctuality

SCENE

The wife at school. A new cub scout in the Husband's pack runs up.

Scout: I'm coming to scouts tonight.

Wife: That's great. It is at our house at 7.

Scout: Okay. I will leave my house at 6:30.

Wife. You live across the street. You can leave your house at 7.

Scout: But I don't want to be late.

Wife: I'm glad you're excited. Why don't you leave your house at 6:55?

Scout: I think I can do that.

END SCENE

Not so Funny

SCENE
Midnight. The Wife and Husband are driving home. It has been a long day and the Wife is trying to stay awake.

Wife: Oh, guess what?

Husband: What?

Wife: After I dropped you off this morning guess what I saw.

Husband: What?

Wife: There was a FedEx truck in front of me and when I turned the corner there was a UPS truck.

Husband: And?

Wife: So I came up with a joke.

Silence

Wife: What do you get when you cross a FedEx truck with a UPS truck?

Husband: I don't know.

Wife: FedUp.

Husband: Oh.

Wife: (laughing hysterically) Oh here's another. I feel like I'm caught between a FedEx truck and a UPS truck.

Silence

Wife: I'm FedUp!

Husband: Almost home. We are almost home.

Hysterical laughter continues.

END SCENE

Award Ceremony

SCENE

After a long day with many tears, Wife texts her mother.

Wife: (text) I think I won the World's Worst Mother award tonight if Son were the judge. I would like to thank all the little people who's names I can't remember. . .

Mother: (text) Some days are like that, even in Australia.

END SCENE

(I quoted part from Veggie Tales. My Mother replied with "Alexander's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day".)

Cartoons = Real Life

SCENE

Mother and son driving home. They pass a truck painting the lines on the road.

Son: I know how that works.

Mother: That's good. How does it work?

Son: Brush and *mumble*.

Mother: Brush and what?

Son: Boot.

Mother: Boot?:

Son: Yeah, you know. *makes circling motions with his hands* Brush and then boot and then brush and then boot.

Mother: Actually . . .

END SCENE

What's in a Name

SCENE

Wife and husband laying in bed talking.

Husband: Did you know that "The Ultimate 10" is actually 14 teams? That seems silly.

Wife: The Hundred Years War lasted more than 100 years.

Husband: That is reasonable. They just rounded.

Wife: Okay. What about a Baker's Dozen?

Husband: It's thirteen but after the Baker eats the one to test it there is only a dozen left.

Wife: Then why is it also called the Devil's Dozen?

Husband: That's because it makes the Baker fat.

END SCENE

Yummy

SCENE
Wife is looking through her text messages.

Text from Husband: I'm sorry. I accidentally took the butter for lunch.

Wife: (To herself) Not a big deal. He'll be hungry for dinner though.

Several hours later. Husband comes home from work.

Husband: I'm sorry. I took the butter.

Wife: It's not a big deal, but I'm sure you're hungry.

Husband: No. You don't understand. I didn't realize it was the butter, until after I microwaved it.

END SCENE

Use What You've Got

SCENE

Husband calling wife from work.

Husband: I am going to the doctor today after all.

Wife: You're still not feeling well?

Husband: No. I took my temperature. I have a fever of 101.

Wife: I didn't realize you took the thermometer to work.

Husband: I didn't.

Silence

Wife: How do you know your temperature?

Husband: I used my multi-meter.

Silence.

Husband: I washed it first.

END SCENE

Ebay

SCENE

While fighting over who had to have the bookmark on their pillow, the bookmark slipped between the headboard and the mattress. When the husband and wife finished reading the wife makes the husband look for the bookmark.

Husband, looking under the bed: I can't find it.

Wife: I am sure it fell.

Husband: Maybe.

Wife: You know there is a black hole under the bed. I stuff things under there all the time and it always remains clean.

Husband: It's not a black hole.

Wife: Are you sure?

Husband: Yeah. Kitty sells the stuff she finds under the bed on Ebay.

END SCENE

Moose Socks

SCENE

The wife is laying in bed while the husband is getting his pajamas on. He takes off his socks and holds them up as if to throw them at the wife. The wife covers her face.

Husband: What's wrong?

Wife: I don't want socks in my face.

Husband: Why not? They have Vitamin C . . . and Fiber.

Beat. Hysterical laughter.

END SCENE

I love my Moose.