Feeling Shy

On one of my friend's blogs he linked to a personality test. I don't like taking personality tests because I feel like I'm not honest with them. I know what I don't want to be so I answer the questions to suit what I think I should be. When I was in school and they made us take the color one (white, yellow, red, and blue) I purposefully made sure I turned out white and blue. This was because I didn't want to be red or yellow. Reds tended towards leadership (which I read as bossy) and yellow was easy-going (which I read as immature). Part of the problem is I could have sworn that as soon as we did this everyone started acting their color. I hated how one stupid test could change someone's personality. I know this probably wasn't as bad as I thought it, but I always hated it, because I did the same thing.

On this latest personality test I came out as an introvert (the slider was all the way over), which may be a surprise to my family. I can argue and discuss with the best of them and I am not quiet, around my family. A couple of weeks ago Moose and I had dinner with my parents. I was laughing and talking and my mother made a comment about how she thought it was funny that when I was a child I often described myself as shy. I kind of laughed at that but in some ways it is true. My father and my brothers have always been more outgoing, or at least appeared outgoing. Even my little sister seems to be involved with more people and more activities than I can keep track of. I had my activities which included school, band, and soccer some years. I made friends and I had a good time. I doubt most people would call me shy.

At the same time, those who wouldn't call me shy change the way I feel. When I am around someone I know I don't feel quite so out of place. There have been a couple of conferences where I felt so out of place I just wanted to sink into the floor. When I went to the World Fantasy Convention in Ohio I don't know how I managed it but I invited myself to a lunch where an author from my home state was going. He had no idea who I was but he didn't care if I was there or not. When he and his friends tried to include me in the conversation I was so nervous I couldn't eat until they all looked away. The dinner I went to at LTUE I felt so awkward, as if I didn't belong with all of the successful people at the table.

I am sure I am not the only one that feels this way. I have learned that people don't bite if I ask to sit next to them, or join in the conversations going on around me. I mean I can't always be around people I feel comfortable with. (Psst. Babe, when you are a famous author maybe you'll let me tag along on your tour so I can feel more at ease while I meet all of my favorite authors. Then when I become famous years later I won't feel quite so out of place.)