Negative Critiques

I’ve had a lot of really good critiques that just left me feeling positive. There have been other critiques that just left me feeling frustrated. What follows is a critique that I received from a fellow writer. “Terrance” knew what he was talking about when it came to grammar. What I want people to understand is that the way the information is delivered could be a bit less abrupt and not all of the information was good. Since I felt like his critique didn’t help me in the long run, I thanked Terrance for his time, and then never asked him to review another story.

When you are critiquing: Even if you hate the story, never, ever rewrite the story. Give feedback on what you feel comfortable, or you can just explain to the author that it wouldn’t be a fair critique because your opinion is biased.

Once again, Terrance did give me good feedback. I was able to make some good changes, but there is some unnecessary criticism that he could have left out which is why I stopped using his services.

Edgar the Elephant

This is an interesting story, and would make an interesting picture book. However, as a parent I wouldn't buy it for my child. I want even picture books to be a bit realistic if they take place in this world.

Edgar the Elephant was depressed. Work was not going well.

The first assignment from work started smoothly enough. He picked up the package and began walking to Cambodia. The African scenery was beautiful as he trudged along.

One of his co-workers flew by. “Hey Edgar. Get a move on if you want the package to make it on time.” With a chirping chortle, he zipped off. Edgar didn’t let it bother him.

By moving at a consistent rate, he would get there eventually. At the coast of Somalia, he used his trunk to hold the previous (I am assuming the bundle is a baby. Therefore, should that last word be "precious" and not "previous"?) bundle while swimming. It was difficult but made the journey shorter. (After swimming the Arabian Sea, did Edgar stop in India and talk with the elephants about their small ears, and then swim the Sea of Bengal?)

Tired and bedraggled, he finally reached the small hut in Phnom Penh.

As he tiptoed up to the window, he accidentally crushed a fence around the house. (Is this a hut or a house? A hut is usually one room, and a house has many rooms. Or, do you mean home rather than house?)The noise of the splintering wood brought two young children to the window.

A lone tree in the yard offered a little cover. When the children couldn’t see anything, they turned away. (It must be terrible dark if the children couldn't see the elephant behind the small tree.)

More nervous then ever, Edgar crept around (Is Edgar inside or outside this hut?)the small hut until he found a room with a crude crib in one corner. Very carefully, he placed the package in the crib. As he drew his trunk back, he knocked a chair over. (In this case, the word "over" is a preposition, and needs an object. Perhaps better wording would be "...knocked over a chair.)

The racket woke the infant. Edgar crouched down by the side of the house, covering his face with his ears. While the occupants were busy with the infant, Edgar crawled away.

He was too tired to swim so he went by land.

By the time he made it back to Kenya, he realized maybe his co-worker was right. This was a difficult job for an elephant to do.

Edgar didn’t want to give up easily but the next package was for Anchorage Alaska. The thought of traveling halfway around the world was unpleasant.

With great reluctance, he turned in his resignation. He was sad because he wanted to be a STORK (Is this an acronym for something? If so, please write it out in full.) deliveryman.

After a moment of thinking Edgar smiled and picked up the package. He would drop her off on the way to North Pole, to be a Santa’s Little Helper.

(Finally -- the shortest route from Kenya to Alaska is over the North Pole, unless, of course, Edgar walks across Africa, swims the North Atlantic, and then walks across North America to Alaska.

I do like the idea of Edgar wanting to do a job and then realizing he can't. Every child needs to learn there are jobs they want to do and can't, but must keep going on in life. However, the distance just can't be than great. By the time Edgar would reach Phnom Penh, the child would almost be old enough to ride on Edgar's back (except that African Elephants don't usually get trained for riding). Perhaps he needs to attempt to deliver fruit over land but it spoils before he gets there, or he eats a bit now and then "because no one will miss just a bit". He could still do some swimming -- across a crocodile infested river.